For Funny Friday, I thought I would present you with a quotes smorgasbord! I do have some notable favorites on the types of people who tickle my funny bone, but I hope you enjoy them nonetheless!

 

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” –Mark Twain

 

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.” –Garrison Keilor

 

“I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?” –Larry Reeb

 

“With girls, I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said ‘Are you Louise?’ She said, ‘Are you Rodney?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ She said, ‘I’m not Louise.” –Rodney Dangerfield

 

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jolier than the people who have to wait for them.” –E.V. Lucas

 

“I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.” –George Burns

 

“I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true.” –Katherine Hepburn

 

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.” –Steven Wright

 

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” –Oscar Levant

 

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” –Mitch Hedburg

 

“When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. Eventually I was an only child.” –Steven Wright

 

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance –waiting to get into the bathroom.” –Bob Hope

 

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” –Mark Twain

 

“Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.” –Thornton Wilder

 

“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.” –Mark Twain

 

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” –Charles Schultz

 

“I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it’s in a jar on my desk.” –Stephen King

 

“Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.” –Mitch Hedburg

 

“To err is human, but it feels divine!” –Mae West

 

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”–Oscar Wilde

 

“What a childhood I had –I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.”–Rodney Dangerfield

 

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” –Mitch Hedburg