And now it is time for chapter 3 of Merry Mischief! To start on this amusing saga, you can go here. And Merry Mischief now has a cover!

Chapter 3

Christmas was a time of peace on earth, and goodwill toward men, or so the Holy Bible said. With the ubiquitous presence of a courting Mr. Collins in residence, there was no peace, and the goodwill Elizabeth felt was dying by the moment, becoming a desiccated husk of resentment. While the Gardiners came three days before Christmas and Mr. Collins had only come two days before that, by December the 21^st, it had begun to feel like the oaf had been there for months instead of days.

While Elizabeth fought to control her temper, trying through subtle means to inform him of her disinterest, nothing less than hitting him over his thick head with a tree branch would get his attention. Even directness did nothing, for the man was intent upon his purpose, and convinced of its rightness—nothing she said to him made any difference.

“Of course,” said he in his pompous tones on the occasion where Elizabeth finally snapped at him, “you shall see all this yourself. I am certain you will agree that there is no other estate to compare with Rosings Park in all the land. Furthermore, you shall find the parsonage is in every way suited to you, for Lady Catherine, in all her condescension, has made it the perfect abode for any parson and his wife.”

“Mr. Collins!” growled Elizabeth, her patience finally shattering. “Though I had not expected you to forget our recent history, it seems I must remind you. When you last proposed, what was the result?”

“Oh, I remember it very well,” said the parson, the waving of his hand as ineffectual as everything else about him was. “I shall remind you that I am by no means unaware of the behavior of elegant females.”

“And yet, I refused you, and my father supported me. When you left, I understood you comprehended my feelings and would not further press the matter.”

“Ah, but then I learned better,” said Mr. Collins, his glance at Mrs. Bennet informing Elizabeth all she needed to know about her suspicions that her mother had played a part in his return.

“No, you did not learn better!” Elizabeth glared at him with all the frustration she felt flowing over, seeping into her words, which were not as temperate as they should have been. “You merely returned to your previously doomed intentions. Can you not accept that I have no interest in you? Why must you continue to ruin my Christmas with my family in this manner?”

“Lizzy! You shall apologize to Mr. Collins at once!”

“I have no wish to hear anything from you, mother!” spat Elizabeth. “Be silent—then we may all have a little rationality in our lives.”

The gasp of more than one person in the room informed Elizabeth she had gone too far, but she was beyond caring at that point. Mrs. Bennet appealed to her husband with a look, but his returning expression informed her that she should have expected it. Unfortunately, none of this affected Mr. Collins.

“You may as well treat your mother with respect,” said Mr. Collins, “for I am convinced that once you have become accustomed to me, you will understand there is no choice but to accept my offer.”

“That is correct, Lizzy,” said Mrs. Bennet. “No other possibility exists.”

“Oh?” asked Elizabeth, quirking an eyebrow at her mother. She rose, still fixing her with a baleful glare. “Another possibility does, indeed, exist, Mama. I may retreat to my room so that I need not endure a single more minute of this farce!”

Then Elizabeth stalked from the room, ignoring her mother’s demands for her to return. When she arrived at her bedchamber, Elizabeth closed the door and turned the key in the lock, determined to stay there for the rest of the day, even if she must go to bed hungry!

***

“I see what you mean, Madeleine,” said Edward Gardiner as Elizabeth left the room.

All about them was chaos, for his silly sister ranted and stormed, promising to go to Elizabeth’s bedchamber and return her to the sitting-room by force, if necessary, while Mr. Collins blathered on about how universally charming Elizabeth was. How anyone could deem a woman charming after such a setdown was beyond Gardiner’s understanding. Then again, Collins was beyond his understanding, for he never would have thought such a ridiculous man could exist.

“If you had paid attention when we arrived, you would have seen it for yourself,” groused his wife, her expression informing him how cross she was.

Gardiner shrugged, knowing there was no arguing with her. “What do you suggest?”

“We must act to keep Mr. Collins from Elizabeth as much as we can.” She huffed with disgust. “Mr. Collins may accidentally compromise her in his eagerness if the threat of his constant words on the subject does not lead to an expectation of marriage in the community.”

“Or my sister may come upon the idea herself,” said Gardiner, eyeing Maggie gravely.

“Oh, do not say such things!”

“It does no good to ignore the possibility,” replied Gardiner with a shrug.

“No, but you should not speak where she might overhear. I have no notion she would reject the notion, given the state she is in.”

“The question is,” said Gardiner to move the subject along, “how we can exert any control over the situation.”

Madeleine drew her bottom lip into her mouth, an affectation indicating deep thought. It was an adorable mannerism and one that had often inflamed his passions, even after nearly fifteen years of marriage.

“It would seem to me that interference is the best option,” said Madeleine after a moment.

Gardiner winced at his wife. “That, you know, will mean distracting his attention. I suspect I will bear the brunt of his effusions in such situations.”

“Perhaps you will,” said his wife, completely unconcerned. “Remember that it is in the service of a most beloved niece, and I am certain you will endure it.”

“Very well,” said Gardiner, setting his shoulders as if to go into battle. A battle it would be, though the foe was not a fierce adversary; rather, he was a fool, almost certain to push Gardiner to the edge of his sanity. But he would not shirk.

***

Had those at Netherfield Park left Darcy to his own devices, he might have thought he would go mad considering the problem of Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Collins. How she could have accepted Collins was a matter yet beyond his understanding.

Darcy thought had had some knowledge of the Bennets’ situation. It was not an unusual one, after all, nothing more than an entailed estate with little money to be had for the widow and her daughters when the master left this mortal existence. The confusing part was that Miss Elizabeth had already rejected him, a decision some might call foolish, but Darcy viewed as sensible, given the man who had proposed. And yet, somehow, the foolish man had returned, and she had accepted him. It upset Darcy’s understanding of Miss Elizabeth.

For a time, he wondered if he should depart from Netherfield before Christmas. There was still time to join his family if he hurried. But though he continued to keep any notion of his fascination for her at arms’ length, Darcy could not make himself depart. The mere thought of such a bright woman as Miss Elizabeth Bennet tied to the buffoonish Collins filled him with loathing.

Not everyone at Netherfield agreed with him. Bingley was, of course, far too focused on Miss Bennet to have said much on the subject, and Darcy did not think Hurst or his wife cared three figs for whether Miss Elizabeth married Mr. Collins. The same was not true of Miss Bingley.

“How fortunate it is that Mr. Collins returned!” exclaimed she the morning after the party at Lucas Lodge. “Why, I declare it is a most eligible match, and one beyond anything such a woman could hope to attain!”

“Eh, what’s that?” asked Bingley, proving he had not been so lost in his contemplations as Darcy had supposed. “Why do you suppose Miss Elizabeth cannot aspire to anyone better than her father’s foolish cousin?”

“She has no dowry!” was Miss Bingley’s pointed comment to her brother. “Their family has no connections of any value to anyone. If you were not so intent upon lifting her sister to a higher sphere, I dare say none of them would ever provoke any man of any consequence in the world to pay them even the slightest heed.”

Bingley, far from being offended—as Darcy thought was Miss Bingley’s intent—shook his head. “Far be it for me to argue who will raise whom through a marriage between us. I must inform you I have no notion that Miss Elizabeth will ever be prevailed upon to accept him.”

Miss Bingley pushed her pique concerning her brother’s actions toward Miss Bennet aside in favor of her glee. “Then you have not been watching closely enough, Brother. Given Mr. Collins’s peculiar brand of obliviousness mixed with eagerness, I dare say she is already a hair’s breadth from having no choice at all in the matter. I, for one, cannot wait to hear the announcement, for I believe it is only her due.”

A sly look at Darcy and Miss Bingley added: “Perhaps Mr. Collins will admire her fine eyes while he is performing their marriage duties. I find the image a pleasing one, indeed.”

As Miss Bingley looked away, she saw nothing of Darcy’s icy glare of disdain; then again, she was so delusional about her power over him that she might not have recognized it. The notion that Miss Elizabeth deserved the ministrations of a dullard because she had the temerity to attract Darcy’s attention was quintessentially Miss Bingley. Darcy had never been more disgusted with her than he was at that moment.

What Miss Bingley had not counted on, however, was the effect this had on Darcy. Still, he had no notion of why Miss Bennet had felt it necessary to accept Collins’s proposal. Far from being discouraged, Darcy now felt a powerful resolve to extricate her from the predicament settle within his breast. Any thought of her unsuitability, lack of dowry or connections, or even his family’s disapprobation fled, leaving Darcy with a startling certainty that he wished to have her for a wife. The question was how to go about preventing her from making a colossal mistake.

“Bingley, I believe I might like to have my sister join us for Christmas,” said Darcy as he considered the matter.

“Of course, Darcy,” said Bingley. “Miss Darcy would be very welcome. I might have thought she intended to stay with your aunt and uncle for Christmas.”

“Georgiana has been with my aunt and uncle since September,” said Darcy, his plans coalescing in his mind.

“Then, by all means, let us invite her here,” said Miss Bingley. “I am certain she will have as much amusement from the spectacles in this neighborhood as I do.

Darcy ignored her continued poor behavior. “Fitzwilliam can escort her here tomorrow if I send an express at once.”

“Invite the colonel too,” said Bingley, Darcy knowing he viewed Fitzwilliam’s coming with anticipation. They had always gotten on rather well together. “There is no reason for him to escort her here and then return to London.”

“I shall do just that,” said Darcy with a nod.

***

Bingley’s suggestion to invite Fitzwilliam to stay meshed well with the plans taking shape in Darcy’s mind. Distraction was Darcy’s best option until he could determine how he might go about persuading Miss Elizabeth that her future need not lie with the silly and ineffectual parson. If there was any talent Fitzwilliam possessed, Darcy knew it was the skill to distract, for his never-ending stories and ability to speak to excess had been his strengths since he had been a boy. And Collins, Darcy knew, was a man easily distracted. A few comments from Fitzwilliam and Collins would feel all the privilege of being the focus of attention from the nephew of his patroness. He would have no time for such mundane considerations as wooing the woman he meant to marry!

As Darcy might have guessed, the suggestion that Georgiana join them did not displease Miss Bingley. Beyond her initial comments, Miss Bingley’s words the subsequent morning, when they were waiting for her arrival, informed Darcy of her particular expectations regarding his sister’s coming.

“What a delightful notion it was to invite your sister to join us, Mr. Darcy,” said the lady. Darcy had forgotten how many times she had spoken of her pleasure that morning. “What fun we shall have spending Christmas with her. And the dear colonel too, of course! Why, I dare say with such company to hand, we have no need to go out!”

“What nonsense are you speaking!” exclaimed Bingley, sparing Darcy the need to respond. “I mean to go to Longbourn this very morning after Miss Darcy arrives.”

“Why do you feel the need to do such a thing?” demanded Miss Bingley at once. “Surely Miss Darcy will need to rest at the very least before we expose her to the excesses of the Bennets.”

“I do not suppose Darcy proposed to invite his sister so he could keep her confined to Netherfield,” replied Bingley. “Besides, you know I wish to invite the family to Netherfield on Christmas day. And there is the Christmas assembly tomorrow night, too.”

Miss Bingley blanched while Darcy looked on. He had forgotten about the Christmas assembly on the twenty-third and had not been aware of Bingley’s intention to have the Bennets to Netherfield on Christmas day. While he rarely appreciate assemblies, this one would work to his advantage, for he could think of several ways he might further drive a spike into Collins’s wheel. As yet, he had no specific plan for Christmas, but his presence would surely be a boon if only to keep Collins from being in Miss Elizabeth’s sole company.

“I hardly think we need to offer such gestures, Charles,” said Miss Bingley, the edge of whining invading her voice. “We have already hosted the neighborhood once; is that not enough?”

“I dare say it is enough,” said Bingley. “As I do not propose to invite the neighborhood, your sensibilities are sage, Caroline. We shall invite the Bennets only.”

Dismayed, Miss Bingley turned a beseeching look on Darcy. “I cannot imagine you wish your sister contaminated by the likes of the Bennets, Mr. Darcy.”

Darcy chuckled and shook his head, which did not please Miss Bingley at all. “The way you speak, I might think you consider the Bennets diseased.”

“They may as well be,” muttered Miss Bingley. “A disease rendering them incapable of anything resembling propriety.”

It did not bear saying that a woman who pursued a man who had no interest in her in defiance of all that was proper could have no reason to complain of another’s behavior. Miss Bingley, Darcy knew, would not see it in such terms, and he had no interest in correcting her perception.

“In fact,” said Darcy aloud, “I have no qualms at all about introducing my sister to the Bennets.”

Miss Bingley regarded him, trying to make him out. “Given the behavior of some members of that family, I am surprised, sir.”

“Yes, I suppose the younger girls would benefit from improved behavior,” agreed Darcy. “At the same time, my sister is reticent. I cannot but suppose she would benefit from the society of those who do not lack confidence. As for her behavior, Georgiana would not follow any example that would not be proper; I have more faith in her than that.”

Miss Bingley’s countenance softened ever so slightly. “I suppose you must be correct, Mr. Darcy. Your excellent sister would bring others to her, rather than follow them.”

“Thank you for your conviction in my sister, Miss Bingley,” replied Darcy, inclining his head in appreciation.

It was at times like these that he remembered Miss Bingley was not all pride and the lust to climb society’s ladder. Had he thought she saw Georgiana only as a means of ingratiating herself with him, he would have severed the acquaintance long before. Yet it appeared Miss Bingley did esteem his sister. If Georgiana did not consider Miss Bingley her closest friend, at least she respected the woman in return, which allowed Darcy to keep the friendship intact.

When Georgiana and Fitzwilliam arrived later that morning, it was to the happy greetings of all. Contrary to Miss Bingley’s expectations, they were just as eager to visit Longbourn as Darcy and Bingley were to go themselves.

“I should be happy to make the acquaintance of my brother’s new friends,” said Georgiana in her usually quiet voice. “I understand there are young ladies of my age among them.”

Miss Bingley shot a look at Darcy at this evidence of her prior knowledge of them. There was nothing for her to say to him, so she turned her attention back to Georgiana.

“Of course, you wish to make their acquaintance, Georgiana, and so we shall. Only take care, for the Bennet sisters are not of your level of society and display manners such as you are not accustomed to.”

“I am not unacquainted with country manners, Miss Bingley,” said Georgiana, understanding that if Darcy deemed the Bennets suitable acquaintances, it could be nothing to Miss Bingley. “I shall meet them with the same reserve with which I greet those near Pemberley.”

Clear though it was that Miss Bingley could imagine no one in the neighborhood of Pemberley being anything other than of the highest society, she smiled and nodded.

“Yes, Darcy,” said Fitzwilliam, fixing Darcy with a knowing grin, “introduce us to these new friends of yours. I find I am curious, indeed.”

It was beyond Darcy’s ability to hope his cousin would be satisfied with anything less than a thorough explanation. At the moment, he appeared content to allow events to unfold as they were. As Darcy counted on his cousin’s support, he was not opposed to explaining the matter to him in full, but it would not do to be explicit in front of Miss Bingley. As such, Darcy nodded in his cousin’s direction, and they departed at once.

***

Longbourn was everything Darcy would have supposed it would be. Mrs. Bennet appeared awed at the sight of an earl’s son in her sitting-room, and the youngest Bennets had no attention to spare for anyone other than the colonel in their midst. Fitzwilliam knew his task at the moment and set to distracting the youngest Bennets with a will. This allowed Darcy a moment to introduce Georgiana to Miss Elizabeth, the woman to whom he particularly wished her to be known.

“I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Darcy,” said Miss Elizabeth, curtseying when Darcy had completed the introductions. “I have heard so much of you that I almost feel I already know you.”

Georgiana regarded Miss Elizabeth with interest, saying: “And I have heard much of you, Miss Elizabeth.”

This seemed to confuse Miss Elizabeth. “I am sorry, but I do not follow. Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst, and even Mr. Darcy, have spoken of you. But I cannot imagine that you know anyone who would have spoken of me.”

Set with pitfalls though this line of conversation was, Darcy knew there was nothing for it but to allow it to play out.

“You are acquainted with my brother,” said Georgiana, fixing an amused glance on him.

“Did he speak so much of me between Netherfield and Longbourn?” asked Miss Elizabeth. She turned a playful glare on him. “I hope, sir, that you have not betrayed my weaknesses to your sister. It is not polite to expose me to her censure before I have even made her acquaintance.”

Miss Elizabeth’s manner charmed Darcy all over again. “We spoke something of what my sister might find at Longbourn, Miss Elizabeth. But that is not all.”

“My brother related some amusing anecdotes in his letters to me,” said Georgiana.

Darcy was certain Miss Elizabeth held back a gasp by the force of will alone. “Then when we were speaking at Netherfield while you were writing your sister, you were writing of me?”

“Not you only,” replied Darcy, heartened by how this conversation had proceeded. “But yes, I related something of what we spoke.” Turning to his sister, Darcy added: “The conversation about accomplishment.”

As he might have expected, Georgiana giggled. “Oh, yes, I remember. I wish I had been there to witness it, for it sounds most amusing. But that is not the only time my brother wrote of you to me.”

***

“That is surprising,” said Elizabeth, uncertain how to interpret this intelligence. “Then you were not always looking at me to find fault?”

“If one can find fault with you with a moment’s casual observation,” said Mr. Darcy, “I invite them to try. I have never considered you anything other than an excellent woman.”

This conversation had all the characteristics of a farce. As Elizabeth regarded Mr. Darcy, she noted how earnest he was in regarding her, how he appeared determined that she believed him. Considering what happened at the assembly, she thought to try him a little, for surely he must remember what he said.

“Then I thank you for it, Mr. Darcy. There was a time when I thought I was not tolerable enough to tempt anything other than contempt.”

The way Mr. Darcy paled, Elizabeth was certain he recognized the reference. His consternation told her that for whatever reason he might have spoken those words, he did not, at least at present, still believe them. Thus, she spoke quickly to forestall any apology that would mortify his feelings.

“For my part,” said she, turning back to Georgiana, who appeared to sense some meaning she did not understand, “I have always considered your brother an intelligent man, though I know he is reticent.”

“Reticence is a family curse, Miss Elizabeth,” said Georgiana, dropping her gaze to the floor.

“And yet,” replied Elizabeth, charmed by her manners, “you have spoken most charmingly. I hope we shall be good friends.”

“I am certain we shall,” replied Georgiana, mustering a warm smile.

How they might have got on thereafter, Darcy could only speculate, for their reprieve from the odious Mr. Collins ended at that moment.

“Mr. Darcy!” exclaimed he as he inserted himself into their midst. “How wonderful it is that you have introduced your dear sister to my cousin! Why, they appear to be fast friends already. I must credit your excellent sister for this, for I am certain any relation of my patroness must have her gift for setting others at ease.”

Darcy wondered if Collins was speaking of the same woman Darcy had tolerated all these years. Lady Catherine set others at ease? She was far more likely to set them on edge with her autocratic ways!

“It is all Miss Elizabeth’s doing,” said Georgiana, her usual shyness returning with the parson’s intrusion. “I have never spoken with someone with such happy manners as Miss Elizabeth.”

“Oh, without a doubt!” exclaimed Collins. “I was just about to say the same thing myself!”

Darcy rather doubted that, but the parson did not allow him to speak.

“I am certain, Mr. Darcy, that I shall appreciate your society in the future, for it appears my cousin and your excellent sister are to become excellent friends. Given my position regarding Cousin Elizabeth, I am certain you will wish to associate with us in the years to come.

“In fact,” said he, sidling closer to Darcy while ignoring Miss Elizabeth’s hard glare, “should you feel the need to have our society closer always, you might persuade me to change residences. I am certain the living you have in your gift must be as fine as Hunsford ever was!”

***

Georgiana stared at Mr. Collins, eyes wide with shock, and Darcy reflected that Miss Bingley should have worried about the parson’s behavior rather than that of Miss Kitty and Miss Lydia. Miss Elizabeth’s glare had, if anything, grown more poisonous, such that Darcy was certain she was on the edge of saying something caustic. For Darcy’s part, he was ready to throttle the man, if only to silence him. It was fortunate an interruption arrived at precisely that moment.

“Mrs. Bennet,” came Bingley’s voice, “my sister and I should like to invite you and your family to Netherfield on Christmas day to partake of the cheer of the day with my family. Please say that you will come.”

“What an excellent notion!” exclaimed the Bennet matron, her significant glance at her eldest daughter leaving no one in any doubt why Bingley desired their presence. “We shall be happy to join you. Of course, we do have a houseguest at present . . . .”

“Mr. Collins is welcome to join you, of course,” said Bingley.

“I thank you for my part, Mr. Bingley,” said Mr. Collins, offering a low bow. “I should like nothing better than to spend Christmas with your excellent family. If through the course of the day, a certain desirable event comes to pass, I shall be most obliged to you for providing the opportunity.”

The way Collins’s piglike eyes darted to Miss Elizabeth, the hunger in them nearly provoked Darcy to call this toad of a man out. Miss Elizabeth, however, ignored him, turning back to Georgiana. They conversed together, doing their best to avoid or ignore Collins, and Darcy did his best to distract him. Though he was not at all pleased with Collins, the sequence of events pleased Darcy. The pieces were in place. He only needed to move them about to ensure Miss Elizabeth considered him a desirable marriage partner rather than the oaf Collins.