And here we are with the second chapter of Merry Mischief! To read Chapter 1, click here.

Chapter 2

Elizabeth had hoped that the sheer power of her will might enable her to withstand the vacuous absurdities of her cleric of a cousin, but unfortunately, she had not accounted for how pointed his attentions toward her would be. That he should act in such a manner despite how he had previously seemed to understand—and accept!—her rejection of his marriage proposal was scarcely fathomable. But there could be no denying that he had embraced his revision of the history between him and Elizabeth wholeheartedly.

Elizabeth could not speak with one of her sisters or even focus on simple embroidery without the nasally voice of Mr. Collins beseeching her to pay heed to his words. After but a few days, her mind positively rang with the sounds of “My dear Miss Elizabeth” and “Miss Elizabeth” and even “My cousin Elizabeth” as he implored her opinion on every subject from the number at chimneys at Rosings to the most handsome flower on the Longbourn grounds. 

Elizabeth tried fervently to force him to cease his pursuit. She told him stories of impertinent remarks she had made, and he had only laughed fondly; she had told him in detail about how ill-suited they were for one another, and he had only disagreed in even further detail; she had told him how she had always believed the life of a parson’s wife would be much too plain for her, and he had told her that as he was the parson of the most honorable Lady Catherine de Bourgh, she would find herself surrounded by the splendor of Rosings Park and unable to do more than express her humble gratitude for the glamorous path that the Lord had placed her upon. 

Elizabeth’s head had begun to pound quite often, and her appetite had become much lessened, so disconsolate felt she due to the cleric’s presence. She finally gained entrance to her father’s study to discuss the issue with him, but she found a less-than-sympathetic audience there. 

“I will not assail your ears with holiday platitudes about needing to express good will toward men,” said Mr. Bennet, “but I shall advise you that we must endure his presence despite any inconvenience that it might bring. As Mr. Collins is to be the next master of Longbourn, I cannot simply eject him from the premises without a cause much stronger than that which troubles you. I am afraid you must simply ensure your ears are just as closed to him as your heart.” 

Elizabeth fixed him with a decidedly sour expression, but she supposed she understood what he meant. “Very well. If there is nothing to be done, then I shall continue to reject the man until he finally surrenders. However, I would appreciate it if you could at least ask my mother to cease encouraging him.” This last was said with a bitterness that Elizabeth seldom expressed, but she could not contain herself. 

“That pompous young man certainly has no need to seek the assistance of others when it comes to filling his sails with wind,” said Mr. Bennet, “but I shall see what I can do about Mrs. Bennet.” 

Elizabeth thought that he would be just as likely as not to forget to address the matter with her mother, but she had done what she could. She thanked him and left the study. 

*** 

The arrival of the Gardiners was the only bright light in what had come to seem (to Elizabeth, at least) a most dreary Christmas season. The Gardiner children shrieked with delight upon being greeted by their cousins, and Kitty and Lydia eagerly took the children’s hands and showed them the various festive touches to be found at Longbourn. Though more traditional households would not be putting up their greenery until Christmas Eve, one of the houses in the neighborhood had begun the previous year to eschew superstitious notions of limiting the practice and had instead embraced notions of such greenery being in keeping with the holiday spirit. Many other nearby households had made the decision to do the same, and Longbourn was one of them. 

Mr. Collins favored the newcomers with a lofty welcome speech that seemed to drive Mr. Gardiner’s eyebrows ever higher into his hair. Mrs. Gardiner, with an almost imperceptible nudge to her husband’s ribs, thanked the young clergyman for such a kind reception of her family and then gave Elizabeth a questioning glance. 

Elizabeth returned a long-suffering look that soon became even more fraught with misery. 

“When that blessed day comes that further strengthens the bonds between our families, you shall always be considered most honored guests, for I have heard how very dearly my cousin Miss Elizabeth cares for you,” said Mr. Collins. 

Mrs. Gardiner’s brow furrowed as she attempted to puzzle out his meaning. “Please forgive me if the road has made my mind as dusty as my clothes. What, pray tell, do you mean, sir?” 

“Ah, yes,” said the parson, a sort of glee evident in the way he rubbed his hands together and smiled, “you would not be aware of the joyous news that awaits you at Longbourn. For you see, I have proposed marriage to Miss Elizabeth. As I am the heir to the very home in which we stand, you must agree that it is a most splendid match for your niece. Our familial harmony shall be without parallel, and I find myself filled with the most inappropriate desire to shout my news from the housetop.” 

Alarmed, Mrs. Gardiner looked at Elizabeth. 

“Mr. Collins,” said Elizabeth, “I fear I must remind you that—” 

The young man at issue had no interest in receiving any reminders from his cousin, and he turned to Elizabeth’s uncle. “I understand that you find enjoyment in fishing, Mr. Gardiner.” 

“Ah, yes,” said the other man, floundering a little, “I suppose that I do.” 

Mrs. Gardiner managed to draw Elizabeth away to the side so that she could murmur to her.  “Do my ears deceive me, or is Mr. Collins speaking as though you are engaged?” 

“You hear the right of it,” said Elizabeth, not even bothering to hide the despair in her voice, though she did modulate its volume. “Every time I insist that I have never accepted his proposal, he becomes suddenly deaf.” 

“If he speaks to many outside the home about this and the rumors blossom too strongly, you might be forced to marry him,” fretted Mrs. Gardiner. “Otherwise, others might claim that you jilted him. In such a case, you might never find a husband.” 

“A marriage between us shall never happen,” proclaimed Elizabeth, “for I should rather die a spinster than a fool’s wife.” 

“I will speak to your mother about this,” said Mrs. Gardiner abruptly. “Perhaps she can do something to encourage him to look elsewhere for his bride.” 

“I suspect you would have more luck in convincing a stone to leap into the air, but by all means, please do converse with my mother. He has been bolstered by her words far too much of late.” 

*** 

While the opportunity did not present itself until the next morning, Mrs. Gardiner did finally manage to speak alone with Mrs. Bennet for a few minutes. However, when she broached the subject of Mr. Collins, Mrs. Gardiner felt less than pleased by Mrs. Bennet’s response. 

“Is it not wonderful that Mr. Collins has deigned to choose our Lizzy as his bride?” asked Mrs. Bennet. “I feel much more comfortable in my own home now that I know I shall not be cast out from Longbourn when Mr. Bennet breathes his last.” 

“I am less impressed by his decision than I am by his stubbornness. Why, you know that Lizzy would never accept the hand of such a self-admiring young man. You really should set the matter straight with Mr. Collins.” 

Mrs. Bennet merely waved a hand. “Lizzy never knows what she wants. She will laugh at a man as a fool one minute and then give him a friendly smile the next. Her tempestuous behavior is rather vexing, but though she refused Mr. Collins once, I intend to ensure that she accepts him this time.” 

“He is speaking as though Lizzy is already his fiancée,” persisted Mrs. Gardiner. 

“Well, she is his fiancée in all but name, so I hardly see what the problem is.” 

Mrs. Gardiner stared aghast at her sister-in-law. “I should think it a great problem indeed—” 

But no arguments Mrs. Gardiner could make would persuade Mrs. Bennet against her current course, and so it was that Mrs. Gardiner went to the Christmas party that evening at Lucas Lodge with a heavy heart. 

Lady Lucas and her servants had taken to the Christmas-decorating spirit as a bird takes to the sky, and the home of the Lucases had been festooned with colorful ribbons and greenery of various types, but with an especial emphasis on holly, laurel, and ivy. The occasional kissing bough or sprig of mistletoe could be found by any with a watchful eye, contributing to the gaiety of the atmosphere. Among the guests were the Netherfield party, with whom the Gardiners were eager to acquaint themselves due to the Bennets’ colorful descriptions. 

The Hursts and Miss Bingley were said to be proud and to consider themselves above their company, but Mr. Bingley could be naught but praised by all the Bennets save the master of Longbourn, who avoided joining in on giving praise on principle. As for Mr. Darcy, the comments toward him were not particularly pleasant, but Mrs. Gardiner had decided to withhold any judgment on his character simply because she hated to hold any ill will toward someone who hailed from Derbyshire. 

Looking around at the decorations of Lucas Lodge, Mrs. Gardiner smiled in appreciation and then took a sip of her punch, debating with herself as to whether she should also begin decking the halls of her home in London with festive greenery earlier than was fashionable the next year. 

Unfortunately, Elizabeth, who stood nearby alongside Charlotte Lucas, was not nearly so sanguine about the Christmas party. “The man simply will not cease following me around!” complained Elizabeth. She had been given a brief reprieve from the man’s presence only because he wished to investigate the refreshments being offered. 

“He thinks we are engaged,” continued Elizabeth, “and he refuses to listen to my insistence otherwise. He pretends he can only hear every other word I am saying, that he might twist anything I tell him to his advantage.” 

“I would be willing to attempt to distract him,” offered Miss Lucas. She gave Elizabeth a small smile. “Should he care to speak with me, I could serve as a willing enough audience.” 

“Mark my words, but your attempts to appeal to him shall come to naught!” said Elizabeth. “The man is a menace who can do nothing other than what he wants. And what he wants right now is to make my life as miserable as possible.” 

Mrs. Gardiner shook her head in a mixture of sympathy and amusement. “Lizzy, I dare say you attribute too much purpose to his actions.” 

“And I dare say I attribute too little,” countered the young woman, with perhaps more passion than sense. “He is wholly focused on me, for whatever reason, and there is nothing to be done about it.” 

*** 

Despite his best attempts to turn his attention elsewhere, Mr. Darcy found his own eyes wholly focused on Miss Elizabeth Bennet far more often than was strictly proper. After his recent altercation with her, he felt it best to maintain some distance between them, yet he frequently found himself drifting toward her, as if drawn to her despite his will. 

Miss Elizabeth appeared to be quite animated that evening, thrusting her hands into the air much more often than was her usual wont, and Darcy thought he heard more than one mention of Mr. Collins’s name when she failed to keep the volume of her voice low. He had heard from Bingley that Miss Elizabeth had refused the parson’s suit. Why, then, did she seem to have his name on her tongue so frequently? 

As Darcy considered the issue, Mr. Collins moved forward to accost Miss Elizabeth. 

“My dear Miss Elizabeth,” the man could be heard saying. 

Darcy heard a loud sigh from nearby and turned. 

“I beg pardon,” said Mrs. Gardiner, appearing embarrassed that he heard her exhalation. “I fear I should have been a little more conscious of my surroundings.” 

“No harm has been done, Mrs. Gardiner,” Darcy said with a slight dip of his head. 

Though they had been previously introduced, the woman seemed pleased by his use of her name, and Darcy wondered if his reputation in the neighborhood might be worse than he had thought. 

“I am actually from Lambton,” offered Mrs. Gardiner suddenly. “As such, I am familiar with the grandeur of your estate. It has been some years since I have been to Pemberley, but I dare say I have not yet seen a fairer part of England.” 

The smile on Mr. Darcy’s face was genuine. He loved his home, and he could sense that Mrs. Gardiner’s compliment was sincere and not merely meant to flatter. “I thank you. I would trade it for no other estate in England, for it is very dear to me.” 

After the establishment of this connection, the two then began to speak warmly of common acquaintances, and as Darcy grew more comfortable with talking to the woman, he became encouraged to speak with her a little more freely. With a casual air, he asked Mrs. Gardiner about Mr. Collins. 

Mrs. Gardiner looked over at the clergyman, who was giving some sort of long-winded speech to Miss Elizabeth. “I suppose there is little to be said of a positive nature, though it pains me to own it. I hope you will forgive my bluntness, but I find myself rather comfortable in talking to you. I suppose it shall not cause any harm for me to speak freely this once and advise you that Lizzy is rather miserable about him.” 

Darcy started at her words—there was something about how she had spoken them that put him on edge—but then quickly composed himself. Keeping his voice calm and level, he prompted: “Indeed?” 

Mrs. Gardiner looked at him for a moment, and he wondered if he had given away more than he ought. But she did not comment on what she had witnessed and merely told him, “As you can imagine, she is less than enthused about the notion of being the wife of such a man.” Her mouth opened to say something more, but the approach of her husband distracted her from whatever she intended to tell him next, and the next few minutes were lost to pleasantries as Mr. Gardiner and Mr. Darcy spoke to one another. 

After separating from the Gardiners, Darcy moved to an unoccupied section of the room. He felt troubled indeed by what he had heard. What could Mrs. Gardiner mean by what she had said but that the parson had proposed once more and forced Miss Elizabeth to accept him? 

What a travesty such an engagement was! Could it indeed be true? Could Mrs. Gardiner have been mistaken or have misspoken? How could such a well-spoken and intelligent young woman as Elizabeth Bennet ever stoop to accept such a pompous oaf as her husband? 

Darcy turned the notion—which had previously seemed nigh inconceivable—over in his mind time and time again. Certainly, he had at least a rudimentary understanding of the Bennet family’s situation. With five unmarried daughters and an entail hanging over their heads, Mr. and Mrs. Bennet would no doubt have been tempted to marry one of their daughters off to the future master of Longbourn. Elizabeth’s flair of impertinence, however, should have ensured that she would not ever bow to the convenience of a marriage to a man as lacking in good sense as Mr. Collins. 

Unfortunately, Darcy must have been staring at Collins without realizing it, as the object of his thoughts soon locked eyes with him. Face brightening, Collins hurried over to speak to him. Darcy considered turning away from him, but he hesitated too long. 

“Ah, Mr. Darcy!” cried Collins. “How fortuitous that we might have the opportunity for discourse with one another! I recently spoke with your grand lady aunt and that most handsome of young women, her daughter, Miss de Bourgh. I must congratulate you on your future with Miss de Bourgh, as you shall no doubt be the happiest of men when that day comes on which you and Miss de Bourgh tie your families ever closer together. Lady Catherine de Bourgh has spoken at length of how it was your mother’s wish as well as your own that the pair of you join in nuptial bliss—from your very cradles, they spoke of it, and we need wait only for that happy day to come to be.” 

Darcy had absolutely no desire to wed his cousin, but he also had no desire to engage in arguing with this buffoon of a parson. There were some men who had been born with the inability to be affected by reason, and Darcy believed Mr. Collins was one of them. 

Rather than try to dissuade Mr. Collins from perpetuating the falsehood of an engagement between Darcy and his cousin, Darcy determined to guide the conversation toward Miss Elizabeth. With another person, he might have gone about his investigation in a more subtle way, but with Mr. Collins, any subtlety would have failed to lead anywhere. And so it was that Darcy commented nonchalantly: “I understand that something might have happened between you and Miss Elizabeth Bennet.” 

Mr. Collins’s face broke into a large smile that only made the man seem more odious. “It has indeed!” crowed he. “I am much anticipating making my dear cousin my wife. She is quite handsome, you know, and her charms will no doubt endear her to my parishioners. They will benefit from one who shall show them all the tender care already displayed by my patroness—that is, your generous and most beneficent aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. My patroness cannot help but approve of Miss Elizabeth as my wife, and I am certain when they meet, she shall laud my choice with a most gratifying exultance. It is only natural that Miss Elizabeth and I should come together, for when I inherit this estate, she shall be able to return to her dear family home, and her mother shall be able to remain in residence. I have no doubt that Miss Elizabeth’s sisters, handsome as they are, will find their own husbands ere long. They need only a little time. The matches they make shall no doubt be inferior to that which is being made by Miss Elizabeth, but I dare say they will do well enough for themselves.” 

Darcy’s mouth felt dry, and he did not know whether he could trust his ears. Again, he found himself moving past his usual reserve into a more uncharacteristic bluntness. “You have requested her hand then?” 

The clergyman’s smile only grew broader. “Mrs. Bennet assures me that we can begin the wedding preparations after Christmas. I had rather wished to begin sooner, but Mrs. Bennet has advised that the holidays are a precious period for her family and that she requires only a little more time before she may begin.” 

“I had been under the impression that Miss Elizabeth would not make a decision about marriage hastily,” said Darcy, attempting once more to gain further information from Mr. Collins. 

“She required only the proper inducement,” said the man with a satisfied smile. “Young ladies these days only need to be swayed by a few delicate compliments and a man’s perseverance, you must understand.” 

Darcy’s lip twitched, but he made no comment. Soon after that, he managed to extricate himself from the other man’s presence and find a different part of the room in which to indulge in relative solitude. 

For the rest of the evening, Darcy remained quiet and thoughtful. He wondered over and over again why Miss Elizabeth would accept such a fool of a man as her future husband. He could scarcely believe it.